The Tale of Chelsea the Fgod
by jessyjessyjessy
Summary: Edward the school player who often mistakes himself for chuck bass falls in love with a random girl called chelsea... WHO IS SHE? and more importantly who is her mysterious friend jess? caution possible jobro refrences
1. Chapter 1

It all started when Chelsea walked into the room. Her delicious scent filled my earflies and made me scream in hungeryness. I couldn't believe she had this effect on me... because I was Chuck Bass – I mean Edward Cullen. Same diff.

I turned back to Chelsea. She stood there with her friends/lesbian lovers Emily and Jess – both irresistibly sexy and edible... so I turned to my BFFL Phillis and through a mandarin at him and his weird yr 12 gf.

I strode toward Chelsea and made out and tried to take off her dress while looking like Jason Mraz but she was like "NO I cannot I love someone called Phillis you may know him... I cannot elope with you and go to LA!" But then I saw Jess and she was like SEX ON LEGS so I fucked her on the bench and then we got married in vegas and wrote essays about each other in minvans. BUT THEN I WOKE UP AND IT WAS ALL A DREAM! I have the wedding ring to prove it :D.

LOL JK I fucked jess real good because she's like awesome and so is emily because she joined in.... and jason mraz TAKE YOUR HAT OFF


	2. Chapter 2

It was the night of the party.... Chelsea was wearing her green dress that she bought with Jess that time which made her look fuckable. She thought that maybe she would find her lonely boy tonite...

BUT NO not to happen. She simply got weird looks from Kass and got hit on by her gay cousin thing called Kevin... ah well. At least she now knows evan who for some reason jess knows from somewhere – probs a one night stand... BUT THEN IT HAPPENED! SOMEONE WAS DECENDING FROM THE CLOUDS!

Chels looked up into the sky and what she saw amazed her! It was... THE JONAS BROTHERS AND EDWARD CULLEN! She practically fainted because – they were wearing dresses.... OMG I can see up Edwards skirt! Chelsea quickly got out her camera.

She quickly chanted to herself and she snapped the shot, "Ian is better than Jared – and Jamie is quite cute..." eleven times before sending the picture to Gossip Girl.

They finally touched down and Adri ran to get them cruisers while Kevin hit on Kevin Jonas. And then Sarah Eddy turned up with Kayasexbunny and started giving every one... HEART attacks because... SHES SO COOL! And Edward fell in love with her and proposed to her so he could get in her pants.

BUT she had to say no because she knew her older sister Jess would kill her if she had sex before the end of yr 7 so she quickly pashed Kevin and said she only dated gay guys. Edward quickly ran away and the JOBROS followed leaving everyone quite annoyed.

But then SPIN THE BOTTLE started. Everyone sat around in a circle staring each other off. The first spin was... Jess and Nick. YUCK ranga boy strikes again. But Jess manoeuvres herself out of it by making out with Marnie and distracting everyone. Then next it was Louis and Adri. WHAT A SIGHT! Adri got quite turned on by his small penis-y looks and soon they were running up stairs to finish what the bottle had started.

Then the unthinkable happened. Jess was picked yet again to pair with KASS! (a possible tom cruise lookalike) Everyone thought this was funny as Kass was a whore and had hooked up with Adri and Marnie already! But they kissed anyway and Kevin got a boner as usual and chels started feeling sick as usual...

Hannah turned up then and started passing out chocolate flavoured condoms as the skater boys hadn't wanted them. So everyone started having sex – until they realised there were holes in the condoms because an annoying vamp-virgin called Eddie had come around and put holes in them with his teeth. Just because he knocked his GF up didn't mean he had to ruin everyone else's fun...

But then Julie came in with juice and tried to get everyone drunk on it as a joke – but it mean that Edward got but-fucked by Kevin because he was so drunk... AH well at least it wasn't Chelsea doing the but fucking... :D


	3. Chapter 3

Chuck/ frodo/ hp(w. invisble cloak thing) / eddie ward/ bella/Chelsea/ ring/ sam gamgeee/

Chelsea was walking through the supermarket when she picked up a can of tomato soup. Suddenly a huge tidal wave came and then Frodo came in a dream boat given to him by Kevin and rescued Chelsea with his short and stubby arms. Chelsea clambered into the boat while Frodo yelled at her "SAY NO TO INCEST", which scared Chelsea and she jumped in Skippy. He for some reason had a pouch so they ran away together.

It wasn't until 3 episodes later when Chuck Bass declared that he loved Harry Potter that Chelsea realised that she could no longer love Skippy in that way. This was because Skippy had an affair with Blair Waldorf – because she can often look like a carrot. So she set off into the sunset with her Sims and things. For the cards to be played, the son of Skippy was born.. Jack. He was handsome, had muscles and had floppy sandy hair which moved as the harsh desert wind struck against it. His amazing abs that were designed by SarahEddii who's ab fettish resulted in her premature death… at least she had lived a full life.


	4. Chapter 4

"You have a jump in your step – but a rip your rep." I turned slowly... who on earth could it be? But of course it was just Marnie. Thank god! I thought someone was stalking me – who else would know that about last night?

"HEY MARNIE!" I yelled pulling out my gun and pointing it at her head. "HOW ARE YOU??" I pulled the trigger emptying the bullets into her sexy head. "Not good?" Marnie smiled pulling the bullets out of her skull. "Nah I'm good... but I heard your great! In bed..." RAWR I growled at her putting the gun back in my pocket. She better not tell anyone about Eddie-boy and I...

We strode into school – casually pushing year 7's out of our way and greeting numerous footballers who were eating ice cream and each others abs. We finally came to our classroom where Chelsea greeted us. I gave Marnie the look but Chelsea saw it. She yelled extremely loudly, "OMG YOU HAD SEX WITH EDWARD?!?!?!?" Sigh. It seemed that it was time for her to die.

"Chelsea, are you wearing anything bullet proof?"

After we deposited the body with Kevin (who knew what he was going to with it) we went to first class – English. We quickly set up webcam with everyone in school to break the internet. Once that was achieved we settled back for a extremely bludge lesson while Adam tried to fix the internet. To pass the time we started playing Spin the Bottle underneath the table. I got truth. "TRUTH If you had to pick between Fagface and Skippy who would you choose?" I quickly picked Skippy as I had always had a crush on that sexy kangaroo. We were about to spin again when suddenly a song came over the PA. I listened closely – it was CIRCLE CIRCLE DOT DOT! "OMG ITS MY SONG!" I quickly got up on the table, strutting on the table while the song started.

**Circle circle dot dot  
I got my cootie shot,  
You think that girl is hot?  
I think I'd rather not. **

**Okay  
I'll fuck her anyway.**

I strutted down the table to Hannah who was quietly flirting with Liam her so called "friend".

**Yo circle circle dot dot  
Yo this shits workin' please dont stop  
Now kindly please remove your top and please don't say that you're a cop  
Show me yours I'll show you mine and we'll play doctor until nine****  
**

I walked down to Ms McNeice who was watching porn on her computer instead of marking reports.

**Sane in the brain to the don't please to the menday  
I spend should the spend to the plenty  
we could do it hard we could do it gently  
everyday I pretend-a caraventale  
if you want Stu skis you can rent me  
if you want to see the piece check the pant leg  
**

Is it getting hot in here or is it just you? The song changed into... OMG YES! It was Dreamlife of Rand McNally! I pulled Marnie to her feet and we started singing.

**D****reamed I went to England and met the spice girls there for tea  
They lost one more they're down from four to my favorite number three  
But they're still quite spicy as the orange flavor  
And oh so nice to do me the favor and lick my icing under the table now  
But I gotta leave town mr. Nally, just as scary spice was about to go down on me  
And don't ask how mr. Nally and give up the towel mr. Nally and run**

I was pleased with my handiwork. Everyone was dancing in time with the sexy Jason Mraz music and seemed quite turned on. At the sound of Scary Spice giving Jason head my sister walked into the room causing everyone to start going down on each other. I smiled. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I saw Edward at lunch. He gave my a huge crooked smile which I regretted returning – probably looked like a pooface. I slipped through the crowd dodging Ben offering me cake. Edward pulled me into a hug and I noticed that Jordyn was staring at me from across the room. Did he have a boner? I'd ask Louis to confirm it for me sometime. I turned back to the matter at hand. "So how are you?" I shrugged. I pulled him away from all the starers who had increased by quite a bit. "Lets go have sex in the school pool..." I said, dragging him in the direction of the Gym. This could be fun!

**"THAT PIC OF SPENCER JUST MADE ME WANT TO COME!"**

I sighed. Marnie really needed to be shot more often.

"**lol adris party rofl adri drunk lol"**

**Ah god I don't even know what she's saying half the time! I turned away from her sexyness and tried to focus on my English essay. BUT THEN I REALISED! It wasn't an essay! It was porn! I quickly exploded and turned into a piece of fudgicals.**


End file.
